Cherish

This is late I know but I wanted to put up a picture of Christmas time at our house. I'm sure this isn't the best one but I think that the tree all lit up with the girls in red in front of it is fabulous. Christmas at our house is evolving so much yet remains so much the same. This year we went to dinner at my mom's house for Christmas Eve, this is a new tradition that started last year. The girls got some great things. Jade got her pair of red shoes she's been asking for for about 3 years. Sesleigh got the High School Musical 2 dvd which has been played nonstop since. And Zoey got plenty of toys that sit in the toybox as she continues to play with the tupperware on the microwave stand! Then when we got home the Christmas Eve Elf had made his annual visit. He usually brings pj's that we can wear on Christmas morning to open presents. Then on Christmas morning Santa brought Zoey a rocking horse that she likes to play rough with...hehehe...she fell off every time she rode it that day. Sassy got Bratz dolls, and Jade got an MP3 player. Then Caleb and I had given them jewelry from Lia Sophia and Zoey got a new winter coat. Caleb and I didn't give gifts to each other this year, but Santa did fill our stockings and that was a blessing enough. After we all got ready we went to my grandparents for brunch. It is the only time of the year when I get to see my grandma's side of the family (except for the occasional Walmart outing) plus the food is terrific. Then we came home and I took a nap, because I wasn't feeling too well. Then about 2:30 we left for Rushville to see Caleb's grandma. She spent her Christmas in the nursing home because she hasn't been feeling well enough to go out. We wanted to take the girls so they could have memories of her at special times. Caleb and his dad do not think Grandma Maxine will make it another 6 months. Kinda sad, but what a relief for a woman who has spent a lifetime taking care of everyone else. Now she can go home and live in her father's glory with no pain and no worry.
Anyway, I have a feeling this will be a long blog since I haven't posted in a while. Yesterday I was sitting in my nice clean house while Caleb and Jade were still asleep, no it was 2 days ago. Zoey and Sassy were playing in Sassy's room watching HSM2 (imagine that). I was just sitting there listening to them and cherishing all the joys God has granted me. Their laughter and squeals of joy just consumed me and made me about well up with tears (I did say about). Then I just sat there thinking about God's great love. Because I do not deserve the blessings He has poored out on me, but because He is so great and loving He does it anyway. I was sitting in a home not just a house listening to 2 healthy beautiful smart girls play. I had another beautiful smart and healthy one asleep. And a husband who takes living with 5 females (yes the dog is too) all in stride and keeps us laughing. My husband is an awesome provider and likes to think he is in charge, but seriously how can he be with all us girls. I am healthy, able to work, can think for myself and have the freedom to choose how I should live my life. Man what more can I ask for.
And then again last night it happened again. Zoey had been sick most of the day, but was finally not filling her britches every ten minutes by the time we laid her down for bed. Then the 2 oldest got a little hyper around bed time and we all just piled on Dad and beat him up and wrestled with each other and laughed and screamed with delight. Sometimes it is beyond me how God is so loving to a sinner like me, but I guess that says something about His character not mine. I can't remember where I heard or read it but I remember something about somebody saying that the life we have says nothing about us, but rather all about God and his grace. I think it was a Pastor James sermon. Amy help me out on this one.
Anyway, tonight is New Year's Eve and we have kind of a running tradition in this house now. We just all hang out here, I take on my friend's teenage daughter, and we watch chick flicks, eat, and toast with our sparkling grape juice at midnight. I think the plans tonight are to watch Ratatuille (sp. I'm sure), and Bring it On 3. We may even get to watch Hairspray too. We will eat lots of good food, I think maybe do nails...Caleb always looks good with pink polish...hehehe. And then toast in the new year. And of course tomorrow Illini play at 3:30, so we will be parked in front of a TV for the afternoon. I never knew I liked football so much.
Well that should do it for now, hope you all enjoyed reading this tremendously long blog!

Change

Two nights ago I read another chapter in Pastor James' book about how to change. I must admit that I really didn't want to. This book has been a tough one for me to get through. I've had to face a lot of nasty truths about myself that I have buried for so long. I am just a sinner after all. This does not excuse me to keep on sinning because I know of God's grace. But rather it is a reason for me to turn from sin. The first few chapters of the book were especially tough because they point out what I have been doing wrong for so many years and the fact that I cannot do it on my own. So you can understand my hesitation to read yet another chapter. But after reading chapter 5, I was very encouraged. A weight was lifted from my shoulders when I finished reading and answered my questions at the end of the chapter. I have been trying for so long to end my own slavery to sin. A silly thing I realized when I read this chapter, because Pastor James pointed out that Christ has already done the dirty work (i.e. dying on the cross a miserable death) to release his followers from that bondage. My job is actually quite simple, make the right choice. Christ has released me from the slavery of sin, and I can now live knowing that I do not have to do what He has already done. This does not excuse me to just keep on sinning because God has grace enough to forgive me. It should however be a result of my relationship with Him. The more I put into the relationship, the more my life will change. After all if I do not make an effort to live for Him and with Him, how do I expect Him to show me what to change let alone how to change it. God is great and I am excited about a renewed energy to live for Him.
Well I will sign off with saying this Christmas season I hope everyone remembers what it is really all about and shows compassion and grace to all they come in contact with just as Christ did by leaving His wonderful throne in Heaven to walk with us sinners on December 25th, some 2000 years ago. What love for us He has! Praise Him!

Vesicouretal Reflux

So we went for the nasty test on Friday to see if Sesleigh has vesicouretal reflux. It is a genetic disorder that she will hopefully grow out of. The x-ray showed that she has a mild case of it. They grade the disease on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the mildest and five being the most severe case. On the right side of her bladder/kidneys/ureters she has a 2. This means that when she goes to the bathroom and the bladder contracts to empty it out, the valve that is supposed to shut to keep the urine from going back up doesn't close all the way. So urine is going back up into the kidneys, but fortunately is not filling the kidney enough to make it dilate. On the left side she has a 1, which means that the urine is going back up the tube, but is not reaching the kidney. This is a blessing because it could be much worse and could require surgery, but instead she will be on a daily antibiotic for a year (to basically prevent the stagnant urine from causing infections). She has to go do a flow study to make sure that there are no other underlying conditions. They are thinking that as she gets older and more developed the muscles that open and close the valves will get stronger and her body will fix this problem on its own.
But enough about that. We have been inside all weekend with the nastiness going on outside. But we have been baking and baking and doing some more baking. I have made about 300 cookies so far, and I still have my chocalate covered pretzels to go and another batch of cookies to go! I love to make cookies for the holidays. I think I will try pumpkin bread today too. Caleb was trying to do some baking yesterday and didn't have much luck and pumpkin bread is his favorite so maybe I'll cheer him up a bit. I cannot believe that there are only 2 more weeks till Christmas! I have a bit more shopping to do but nothing too serious. We are trying to not spend so much so we are not buying for as many people and the ones we are buying for we have set a limit to ( a very low one at that). We really have our goals focused on paying everything off by the end of next year. Then paying for a family vacation to somewhere really cool that the girls would enjoy. But anywho, I better get off here and get my cookies out of the oven.

The Holiday Month

The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas has always been a rough time for me. Satan attacks from every angle and I tend to fall into the trap more often during this month. I'm not real sure why, it's just always been a pattern for me. Last night was a night full of bad choices for me. So this morning after church we came home and I dumped out all the liqour in this house. The bad thing was that most of it was stuff others had brought over and left here. But I told Caleb that this house needs to be a dry house from now on. It's senseless to leave the stuff here when it is one of the tools Satan uses against me. I just feel a little lost right now and very vulnerable because I love my friends very much, but the friends that I feel closest to are not going to hold me accountable and be available when I'm feeling tempted in the worst way. And I know there are people who read this blog that would be willing to be there and hold me accountable, but how do I open up when that's not really the type of person I am. How to I make the transition? How do I open up? How do I get over my fears? How do I make different choices? How do I stand up to the ones closest to me? I ask all these questions and I know where the answer lies.
Anyway on a lighter note, Ron preached about doubt this morning. Doubting about the events of the Christmas story, and he used a line from Miracle on 34th Street. He gave a great sermon, but there was one part that made me think of a movie that we used to have to watch 4 or 5 times a day for months on end. The Santa Clause with Tim Allen in it. I know this movie is based on Santa, but the little boy in the movie drops lines all over the place leading to answers to doubts about Christ. At one point in the movie Charlie (the little boy) is talking with his step father and his step father says, "Well Charlie how do you know Santa is real and the north pole and the elves. I've never seen it." Charlie, being the smart 7-year-old that he is, says, "Have you ever seen a million dollars? Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not real." Then later on in the movie Charlie tells his dad (who is on his way to transforming into the big S.C.) "Dad remember what the elves said seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing."
Ron stated the first part of this today. Our society is so set on the fact that we have to see in order to believe. But in all reality the opposite is true with God. You don't have to see God in order to believe in Him. You have to believe in Him in order to see Him. I mean He is all around and in all my brokenness this morning, I felt His presence as strong as ever today. He has rocked me and held me today, He has convicted me, He has led me, He has comforted me, He has blessed me and this is just all today. So for any of you that are or may know a "doubting Thomas" just ask them about other things they have faith in and cannot see (gravity, air, a million dollars!)

different seasons

So this past weekend my grandpa had a retirement party. He finally retired from Cross Implement after 34 years of combined service with John Deere. This year has been pretty rough for him, he battled pneumonia for about 3 months at the beginning of the year. Then after about 2 months back to work after that, he came down with shingles and couldn't work for another 2 months. So with half the year spent ill at home he finally decided it wasn't worth it. But what an amazing night to see all the people he has touched over the years just by loving his job. One lady made the comment about "George's own special language" I just laughed because it's not just his own but his children have the ability to understand and speak the same language! The example this woman used was one day when Grandpa was on a run he called back in to the office to say he had a flat "tar". Which took about 3 people talking to him on the phone before everyone realized he was not stuck in tar, but in fact had a flat tire. It was great to listen to all the memories of this man that means so much to me.
I remember going to church with them when I would spend the night when I was younger. As a matter of fact I think that's where I got my first good dose of God (or at least what I can remember). And you know all the books I'm reading and everything I listen to cannot compare to what I think my grandpa has nailed on the head. Having a relationship with God is not something hard, it is the simplest thing in the world. I beat myself up some days thinking that I am not deep enough, or I'm not spiritual enough, or I'm not spending enough time praying and meditating. My grandpa goes to church regularly, works because he enjoys it, would help anyone who needed it no matter what, and just spills Godliness. He obviously is not a wordy man with his own language, so Grandpa may not go about preaching his beliefs. But anyone who meets him can tell that this man is a child of God's. Sometimes I think we Americans like to make things way too complicated-when in all actuality simplicity is the key....
"But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

i'm still alive

So my friend called me last week and just wanted to see how things were going. She said she checked my blog and I hadn't written anything lately, so just for all you others who happen to be reading this blog I figured I'd post. Last week we took Sesleigh to a pediatric urologist to see what's going on with her bladder and kidneys. Without getting into too many gory details she cannot pee properly, she has some skin that has closed over her opening, and as soon as that is corrected they are going to test her for vicerouretal reflux (think acid reflux except in the kidney area). All of it sounds kinda bad, but nothing is hard to treat we just have to make a few kinda changes and adjust our normal.
I got the results back yesterday from my heart monitor. They said that I was having PVC's (not too sure what it stands for), nothing too serious there either I just have to stay away from caffeine (not a problem cuz I don't drink it-gives me migraines) and chocolate (there's where the problem lies). And if I was having any anxious feelings or nervousness then I needed to let them know because they would give me meds for anxiety. But such is not the case I just need to once again adjust my normal.
Jade is doing well as well. Her grades are pretty good, and she was making out her Christmas list the other day with such simple things that would make her happy. It is so nice to see that she is content with her life and doesn't want for much. It's been hard these last few years for her to adjust-I mean she's gotten a new step mom, 2 new sisters here, a new step dad and 2 new sisters at her mom's, a new house at her mom's, and now a new baby on the way at her mom's. All within a 2 year time frame. So I was pleased when she was just writing down some of the simplest things and smiling and singing.
Last night after supper Caleb and I did dishes together. Then he helped Jade with her homework while I wrestled around on the floor with the two other girls. Then everyone joined in and finally Caleb and I stood back and watched and he said, "Isn't this what you always dreamed it would be like". I thought it was awesome that he said exactly what I had been thinking. We were looking in on the girls from the kitchen and it was like a scene from a movie. I'm sure some people might read this and think, "Ugh you guys make me sick". Maybe not in a bad way, but I never thought I would have something so good, and I remember thinking that way about other people's lives when I was younger. I must admit though, it doesn't just happen. There's a touch of discipline, an armload of love, and all of God's grace mixed together to actually make us a FUNctional family. I thank God everyday that He has poured blessings on me. When I think about my past and which direction I could have went with circumstances and choices I had made I'm glad that He pulled on my heartstrings enough to pull me to Him. Nothing happens by chance, it's all part of God's plan all you have to do is cry out to Him.

what i really need to change

So last night as I was reading the book by James McDonald I came to a tough realization. I thought when I started reading the book that I knew exactly what it was I needed to change. The problem with that thinking was that I didn't let God tell me what He wanted to change right now at this point in time. I got to looking at the list of possible changes to make in a person's life and I checked out what it was that I actually marked as areas that need improvement. The things I thought I needed to change were two very physical problems. Don't get me wrong I think those things will still require very conscious efforts, but I realized that those two things were not what God wanted to work on right now.
The first one that I really need to work on became very clear to me after reflecting quite a bit (almost obsessing really) about an event that happened Friday night. I really need to pay close attention to what comes out of my mouth. Satan has got a strong hold on me by letting my words just fly and the consequences come later. I am often quick to pass judgment on others and I am very sure to pass on my judgements to anyone who will listen. So for all you who read this and are keeping me accountable, stop me when you hear me begin to gossip and/or judge others. I really believe that God wanted the events of Friday to happen to teach me a lesson. It doesn't really matter what I say or who I say it to, if it is not from Him it is bound to hurt someone.
The second thing that came to my attention by no great happening was that I am never quite content with what I have. I never have enough. I looked over the list again and I had 3 things marked the same, but for the life of me could not determine the difference between them. So I looked it up. Covet-to want something someone else has. Envy-to begrudge someone else's good fortune. Jealous-to fear losing something I have. Keep in mind these are my loose translations and are just what I gathered from my reading. After studying up on these I decided that jealousy was not as much of an issue as covetnous and then envy. After realizing that God was really wanting to change these things in me I remembered a few sermons I have heard in the past 2 years. The first was one by John Castletein (spelling error I'm sure) almost 2 years ago. I remember he started off talking about all these great things people had-the most prominent one that sticks out in my mind was his story about the woman in China (I believe) who had somewhere around 3,000 shoes when she died! When he first said that I was like "Now that's what I'm talking about." Boy by the end of the sermon was I convicted. He spoke about the fact that no matter what you have here, it is never ENOUGH to get into Heaven and you can't take it with you. And in all actuality God is the only thing that can fill that void of ENOUGH. So really what happened to those 3,000 shoes? Nothing! That's just it whatever you feel like you need more of will never be ENOUGH and it all just turns to nothing when it's all said and done.
The other sermon that came to my mind was one of Ron's first sermons at our church. He talked about being content. It doesn't matter where you are in your life if you are focused on Christ you will be content with what you have. Man did this hit home last night and really hurt me. Because I haven't been content with what I have and always wishing for more showed me that my life is not focused on where it should be. That really bothers me. I'm hoping that soon I will learn how God is working and what I need to do and how to do it so that I can be content with what I have and not covet what the "Jones'" down the street have. And also so I don't degrade loved ones' accomplishments just because I am not at the same place in my life. How sad that, although maybe not aloud, I cannot truly rejoice with friends over great times in their lives because I am not happy in my own. Sometimes even secretly wishing bad things to happen just to knock them down to my level. Why should I not strive to be at the level God wants me to be in relationship with Him, when that is what will truly have the ultimate reward?

Change

So I started reading "I really want to change...so help me God" by Pastor James McDonald. I have 3 very specific areas in my life that I need some drastic change and everything that I have done in the past has not worked, so no sense to keep on trying the same old thing. Anyway, in the book Pastor James has a study section at the end of each chapter, so I answered the questions (seriously even with some thought), then the next step is kinda like a put it in practice type of thing and he suggested telling a friend that I am reading this book on change and asking for prayer. So I don't know how many people actually read this thing, but whoever does, I am asking for your prayers in my hunt for change.
I have always been a very independant self-sufficient person and to realize that I am powerless over my iniquities has been a huge bite of humble pie. I am having a hard time swallowing this idea that I cannot do this "all by myself". I think I have been saying that phrase since I could talk and now I am realizing that there is no truth to that statement. I have to rely on God in order to make this change.
Something else that really struck me when reading this book was the difference between change and reformation. Reformation is growing on what good is already there. I mean don't get me wrong I think reformation is a good thing and there are things in my life that I want to reform as well. But Pastor James made it clear to me that change is BAM!!! all of a sudden and unfortunately there are things that I just need to BAM!!! change in my life. I know this is what I need to do and I want to do this so I can have a better relationship with God. Sometimes I get so frustrated with the fact that He created us with free will-I mean what a glorious day when it will just come natural to me worship, honor, glorify, and praise my Maker in all that I do. But until I can do that, God has to mold me, dry me out, put me in the furnace, paint me, and put me in the furnace again before I can be who He wants me to be. Sorry if that analogy confused anybody, but an email from long ago came to mind when I was typing...the one about the teacup and the potter. Anyway, if you ever get that email or would like me to try to explain the story I could but right now I need to get to bed...so thanks for listening. And thank you in advance for any prayers you can say for me.

news about life

So today I went to get all my bloodwork done and to get my heart monitor. I didn't really tell a lot of people about it cuz I don't want people to think it's all in my head. But for the last couple weeks, I've been having heart palpitations that have been scaring the you know what outta me. They feel like a panic attack but much shorter...I've had panic attacks in the past and they last for quite a while (like 20 or 30 minutes). These just last for about 4-5 seconds, then I get the shakes. Problem is they will come about every 10 minutes in the evening until I go to bed. Heart disease runs on both sides of my family so I just got worried and said something to the doctor. Dr. asked if I had any new stress in my life and I told her that I started working full time and that I have been watching the neighbor girls after school for about 3 1/2 hours. She just chuckled and said "oh just a little bit of stress". So they did all my bloodwork to check my thyroid (that could be the cause) my cholesterol, my potassium, magnesium, sodium, iron... all that good stuff. And she put me on this heart monitor for the next 30 days. If all of that comes back ok then she says it is panic attacks and we can go from there.
But anyway, Jade started basketball this week and let me tell you it is actually quite comical to watch fourth grade girls try to complete plays, bless her heart she tries so hard. Caleb says she's not cut out for bball though cuz when she bumped into an opponent the other night, she said sorry! He just was amazed, but not me, she cares like that. Sassy has a UTI and we are dealing with that, but she handled it like a trooper. She has gotten into the habit of going garage saling though and loves to buy other people's junk...but she uses her own money, so we let her. Zoey is finally getting rid of her rash, Dr. decided it was flea bites, so we sprayed and haven't seen any new bumps come up since. She is so stinking cute with her curls and all but her middle teeth in. But man is she onery! Well I think that's about all, I just wanted to update everyone, since I hadn't blogged in a while.

Just a thought

Well I haven't been on in a while because I have started working and things have been hectic. On top of working I have been watching the neighbor girls after school for the past three weeks. They leave at 6:30-7:00 and then it's bath and bed time so I just don't have much time to be on here anymore. But anyway, I practiced some of the dance that a friend and I are doing last night. It will be awesome when we get to finally do it somewhere, I think it will reach people in ways that they might not be reached otherwise. I don't know if that made any sense and I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. I am just writing because I haven't in a while and I feel like I should but honestly I just don't have the energy....

I think this just needs to be on here

This video caught my breath and so represents my life and I'm sure most of yours...just listen to the crowd at the end! Wow how amazing! This is why I think dance is such an important part of ministry, how touching it can be for some people. I just want everyone to see this video, I can't even explain how I am feeling right now...the emotions are just overflowing. The hairs on my arms are standing up and I've got goose pimples, tears in my eyes and everything.

A whole lot new

Well a lot has happened this last week. A week ago this past Friday, I got a job! I am a teacher's aide in the LD classroom at Northwest school here in town. My job is good, but I do miss being at home with my babies, especially since it is so hot in the school! I help the teacher assist the children with their classroom activities and with group activites, and I get to be a lunchroom and recess monitor. I do enjoy seeing the children adapt to the newness of me. Some have already grown attached and I get my daily fill of hugs at school, and others have quit growling at me!
Zoey turned 1 this past week! We had a party with cake and ice cream and lots of family here at the house for her. She has already grown tired of her new toys and is back to playing with the tupperware! What are you gonna do though?
This morning at church inspired me in a different way than usual. The worship was amazing. I loved the songs and could just feel the Spirit moving me. Then Ron preached a very familiar passage. You know the one about the armor of God in Ephesians 6. Now I probably know this passage better than any other in the Bible, but today it just struck me in a different way. We all know about the helmet of Salvation and how we put it on, but when Ron suggested that we put it on as knowledge that we are already saved it is also a weapon against Satan. We tell Satan that no matter what he does, we are already saved. And the breastplate of righteousness-ah yes never turn your back for it is not covered-but wait that is just not true either. I don't know I always used to just think that this armor was little and the only offensive weapon we have against Satan is the Bible. But each piece wounds Satan when we boldly wear it. And together with the sword, Satan does not stand a chance. I want to remember each day to carefully put on my armor so that when Satan attacks (and he will) he cannot destroy me! He may be able to hurt me but never will he destroy me for I fight for the winning team.

i love my family

I just want to clarify something from my blog the other day. I do not think my family are bad people. Some of them just do certain things that are not good for me and I am not yet strong enough to be around certain things and not participate. I do not necessarily think these things are bad in and of themselves, I just cannot control myself which leads to sin, so therefore until I become stronger I cannot be around "stuff". I am talking about being able to stand up for myself and what I believe in no matter where or who the pressure comes from. I don't think that my loved ones put pressure on me, but I feel pressured to live the way I used to because that's just how it's been for so long. And right now I am trying to become a new person with a new outlook on life and am trying not to go back to my old ways. I did not mean to hurt anyone's feelings or try to blame others for my own past bad decisions...I just often have a difficult time getting things out the way they are in my own head.

Just an Update

I haven't written in a while and just thought I would give everyone an update...
Thursday I took Sesleigh to the doctor for her physical for school, the doctor was pretty impressed with how much she knew...she's just like a sponge and soaks up any and all information she comes across. This is a great thing but I have to be diligent in filtering what she takes in-sometimes loved ones are there and willing to try to help to teach but it's hard when they don't have the same values as we do in this house. My mom taught her something about the current president and while it may have some truth to it, it was presented in a disrespectful way, and I was unhappy with what my soon-to-be five-year-old recited to me so proudly. But that's neither here nor there. I also asked the doctor to look at Sassy's hammer toes and see if there was something we could do about those-they are so bad and her toes curl under each other so badly her toenails are cutting into the ones they are underneath of. Doctor said we could send her to a specialist but then she noticed something else of greater concern...Sesleigh's right leg is 1/2 inch longer than her left, and if she continues to grow with nothing being done about it her spine will start to curve to compensate and present a whole other plethera of problems. The doctor believes this is from when she broke her leg 2 years ago, she thinks that when it healed her body produced more "stuff" in her bone making it longer. So we have to go back to Sesleigh's pediactric orthopedic surgeon to see what the next step is to correct this problem. And while I'm there I can ask about her toes!
We just got back from our annual family reunion. Once a year my Mom's side of the family camps one weekend and we all eat and get together and look at old pictures and take new ones. I love my family but today as I sit back and reflect I am saddened. I have been on a rough long journey these past two years to renew my faith and live a Christian life style to ensure my place in Heaven. I am sad to say that I will have to do this without the involvement of some of my very beloved family members. I have always been close with my mom and her brothers and my cousins, but I think I want to change my family tree so I can see my children in Heaven and make sure they understand what God did for them and what they can do in return. I think that it was in Luke when Jesus said that to be His disciple you may have to sacrifice relationships of loved ones to do that. I am not saying that I will not see these people after this life because only God can judge them, but right now I cannot spend time with them without falling back into old ways and it breaks my heart. But even as I sit here typing this with tears in my eyes and realizing how broken I really am, I know that something has got to give. The Lord has not placed this guilt and longing on my soul for no reason, so I must heed His call and just become new without all this step by step stuff. I think I am gonna have to be like Nike and "just do it"! All at once, all or nothing, dive right in and just revel in the rewards I will reap for it and not count my losses for it.
Well thanks for all who read this and let me just ramble for so long, I appreciate it.

My Trip to Maryland

So these are some of the sand sculptures done at the beach in Ocean City, Maryland. I thought they were amazing and for people to choose to portray God in a work of art made from His nature is wonderful. Oh yeah, I got back from visiting my brother in Maryland about midnight last night. I was gone for seven days. The first few were alright but by Sunday I was ready to come home. I missed my babies and my husband. I do wish that my brother lived closer though, I enjoyed my time with him and we celebrated his 25th birthday while I was out there. I just can't believe that he is that old, I remember him running around much smaller than me (which is not the case now) with his big coke-bottle glasses and big buck teeth with that goofy grin on his face just as innocent as they come (which is also not the case anymore!) and always wanting to hang out with me. Now he is grown up to about 6 feet plus and got his own place way far away and is working 2 jobs and has a dog (who by the way is adorable, her name is Choolah). He is so stinkin smart and charismatic! I told him he should go become a record label producer, it suits him well.

Any way enough about that things have been really good here, just don't get on the computer much anymore, trying to stay as active as possible-still struggling with the weight thing you know, but I am a whole lot more active now so it's a good thing. The kids are growing like weeds and Zoey is talking and walking and onery as ever...Sesleigh is so smart that sometimes I forget that she's four...and Jade is about to start the 4th grade! I remember 4th grade very well, that's when the boys started asking the girls to "go out" (as much as 4th graders can go out)-oh how scary! Caleb's job is going quite well and we will be off to my sister's next week because he has to work in Iowa and Missouri...

So that's the update on my life, sorry it's been so long-I hope the pictures make up for it!

Nothing spectacular

Well nothing spectacular today, just hadn't written in a while so I thought I would. Construction continues on what will be our bedroom, this past weekend I helped Caleb hang the door and frame in the ceiling and put in rafters. It was pretty cool. Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I manage to do. What a beautiful creation God made the woman. She is strong yet gentle, intelligent yet submissive, rational yet emotional, fearless yet sensitive. I think about all the different roles I play each day-teacher, transporter, gourmet chef of chicken nuggets, housekeeper, character engineer, lover, therapist, accountant/bookeeper, household manager. But the one thing I want to be known for is Christ follower so that my children may become the same. That is my most important role each day, but it is something I struggle with the most...I want people to know Christ because of my actions and the way I present myself. I don't want there to be any doubt about who my Father is and where I will be when I leave this life. I guess we all battle temtation and Satan knows my weaknesses well, so I leave with this thought I know where to go and what I'm supposed to do, but how is my question. I'm glad that we are doing this series at the church I'm sure I will find my answer there.

second chair

I went to church this morning and listened to the sermon and was shown that I sit in the second chair. I have been comfortable sitting in the second chair of faith called compromise. I've been here for a while. I've lost my motivation. I can't wait for Bible study to start again so I can spark the fire. Just need something to move me. I also realized a few things in the last couple days. I figured out what my biggest fear is and it totally shocked me. I fear being forgettable. I love to be the center of attention, all eyes on me, that's why I always assumed I would be a performer of some sorts. But last night, I was unnoticeable (is that a word), and then this morning at church. I haven't been in a few weeks but I usually sit in the same spot when I'm there and there is an elder and his wife who generally sit behind me, this week during the welcome the elder's wife grabbed my hand shook it gentally, gave me a warm smile and introduced herself, expecting me to do the same. So I did for the third time. Now I'm sure that this woman makes it a point to greet people each week to put forth a good impression of the church, but I have failed on my part to leave a lasting impression, and therefore have become forgettable. Right now I just wish I had a shell to crawl into and just hide there for a while. I have no desire to do anything, although I am pretty good at faking it. It was all I could do to go to church today, but that's what I do. So I went. I don't want to leave my house, but there are things that need to be done so I do them. I think I am just getting wrapped up in the redundancy of it all. It's very monotonous, my life, and therefore I'm afraid forgettable. I think I need to read Katie Brazleton's Pathway to Purpose again...she talks about how God has a purpose even for the little everyday things in life. So anyways, just my thoughts for the day.

oh i almost forgot

Zoey took her first steps last night! How could I forget that! Just wanted to let everyone know

Just another day

Well, it's been a good week, I went to my sister's house on Monday and stayed until Wednesday. I've got some good pictures of my nephew Cooper, but I'll have to get them uploaded to the computer before I can post them on here. He's so stinkin' cute! He and Zoey are the same age, my sister and I had the same due date, but Zoey came three days before Cooper and neither of them on the date they had given us-thank God for that because they were big babies! But he just towers over Zoey and weighs about 5 pounds more than her. That's ok I think she is still meaner though, she hit him on the head with his toy hammer and left a bruise. I felt so bad, but my sister says that we'll have to come over more often to toughen him up...hehehe. He's a pretty good baby too, usually in a good mood and man can he make some funny faces. I'm so glad my sister and I got to experience these two together.
Well Tuesday was Jade's birthday, she turned 9. Today, Caleb and I are taking her and 3 of her friends and Sesleigh of course up to the cosmetology school that my friend goes to. The girls are going to get a fancy up do and their nails done...ooh la la! Then we are going to Monicals to have some of the best pizza around. Then we will come back to the house and have ice cream cake (that I made!) and the girls will spend the night. I think Caleb and I will need a vacation after they leave tomorrow, I'm already worn out just typing it!
Yesterday was a long and involved day. I went for a walk/run with my mom in the morning, then took the girls to the library for the magician show, then went to my friend's house to put together her elliptical machine-that's right I put it together all by myself (I'm pretty proud of myself for that). Then we came back here and I started the ice cream cake, then I did some laundry, made supper, did dishes, did more laundry, worked some more on the ice cream cake, gave baths, more laundry, and finally finished the ice cream cake. Whew! By the end of the day I was grouchy and ready to crash, but Caleb and Zoey both were up all night...so begins another day! I don't think it's going to be much better today either, what do you think? Sometimes I wonder why nobody pays stay-at-home moms, it's unreal. I think Rosanne said it best when she says that being a stay-at-home mom is like being a doctor, only the hours are longer and it's way bloodier! The pay is also way worse, but I get rewarded in a way that is so much more meaningful when I see my kids laugh and play and do the right thing!

Romans

So last night I was reading my 5X5X5 plan (I am still way behind!) And I came across a verse that just was AWESOME! It's Romans 8:38,39 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." So if it isn't amazing enough that life nor death, angels nor demons can separate us from God's love, the fact that my fears and worries will never make God love me less. If this is true then what is there even to worry about? The powers of hell cannot even take God's love from me! This is something that I have always known but reading this last night just had such an impact I'm not even sure how to explain it. I am just passing this passage along hoping maybe it touches someone else the way it has touched me.
Everything else is going pretty good. Sesleigh has her very first recital today at 2! They had dress rehearsal yesterday and she did as well as can be expected for a 4-year-old. I have lost 2 pounds this week, so I'm hoping for around 3 this next week then I will have lost 10 pounds since Good Friday. I have been a lot more active this week and a lot less hard on myself...so I guess it worked out for me. Monday, Caleb is leaving to go out west and the girls and I are going along so he can drop us off at my sisters. I will be sure to take the camera and post pictures of my nephew "Tank" and Zoey and Sesleigh. I think it will be a good time. My nephew (his name is really Cooper) and Zoey were born 3 days apart. And Zoey is older but he makes her look like a dwarf, he is just a Tank. Anyway, nothing else too exciting for now, God bless.

Rationalizing

This is just a question I have been pondering lately...Why? Why is it that I can see when people are not making the best decisions, but they don't get it when I explain it to them? Even though they have been down the road many times before. Why is it that people who know God's word can overlook what it says to rationalize their way of life? I mean everything that I have come across in the Word is not just stated one time...it is repeated. Are these people trying to say that the whole Bible is just an error? It breaks my heart to know that people I love cannot see God's glory and rejoice in it. He is so awesome and wonderful and forgiving and loving. Oh how my heart aches and I know He is listening and answering my prayers in His time and in His way. I guess for anyone reading this, just some advice on how to let my loved ones strife go so that it does not hurt me would be nice. Am I supposed to carry this? Do I continue to discuss the same issues with them over and over again? Uugghh!
I'm done with that. Have I mentioned that I am going to see my brother in July? I'm going for his birthday and we are going to get to hang out for like a week, just me and him! I'm so looking forward to this. Maybe we'll go to D.C. for a day, he doesn't live far from there. Or maybe I can talk him in to going to NYC for a day, I've never been and I don't think he's too far from there either. And then there's also the beach time! Wow I wonder what all he's got planned for us? Even if we just hang out and play games or cards or dice or something. What exciting times I can hardly wait! Well I guess that's enough for today, so until next time...

All of God's creations

These are the pictures of the new landscaping of our yard. I love that we have our own little asian-inspired getaway. It was a lot of hard work but I just think it gives our house such curb appeal! We are not quite finished but I love it. I need a few more flowers in the flower bed on the right, and we've got a little project going on in the back yard too. But I will settle with this for this year. Our next big thing is finishing the big room in the garage. It will be our bedroom, and the best part is I will have a 7X12 walk-in closet. Slowly but surely I am getting my dream home.
Now for the part that I discuss everytime that I'm on here. I've done a lot of soul searching and decided that I am content with my body, and that I will not have the body I had when I was 21. I mean really, I've had 2 kids. The most I can ask for is health, and appreciation for my dimples on my legs. I always said that I wanted dimples, now I've got them and I was trying to get rid of them...hehehe. I think that as long as I really watch portions, and types of food, and get moving...I couldn't ask for more. I love gardening and working in the yard...and I could tell that was burning calories and giving my body a workout- I can feel it this morning! I mean God created me how I am, who am I to degrade His masterpiece! I still need to treat my body like His temple, but without the self-bashing that I have induced lately. So for anybody reading this, just be content with what you have now, otherwise you will never be content with what you get! I love this life and thank God for all the blessings He has given me.

Just Sitting on The Edge of Your Chair

I know that most of you just sit on the edge of your chair waiting for to see what I will ramble about this time... This time I think I will once again talk about my weightloss. I've found my motivation again and have done really well yesterday. I like to start my day with positive things, whether it be reading something inspirational (i.e. James MacDonald's website, or the Word), have my talk with God to make sure I am on the same page as Him, and sometimes I like to sit in front of the TV and watch reruns of the show "The Biggest Loser"-because it motivates me so much that during commercials I will do situps and pushups and stuff like that. I did not meet our challenge this week, but I am not going to get down about that. Yesterday reading Pastor James' page he pointed out a verse that I used to recite all the time while in the gym-1Chor. 6:19, 20. It says very loosely that my body is God's temple and I need to treat it as such so that He has a good place to reside in me. Then reading the comments left by others, one woman said that she knew her body was a temple, she was just downsizing and remodeling! I thought how amazing, I love humor in the face of temptation and struggle.
Well onto my exciting news for the weekend-Saturday night my friend is keeping Zoey, Sesleigh is going camping with my mom and Jade is at her mom's. So Caleb and I have a whole night (all night long) to ourselves! Hopefully I will be able to sleep all night.
Well my stomach is growling and I can feel my blood sugar dropping so I better get off here and get me something to eat.

God at work

I sit here after just reading pastor james macdonald's blog about weightloss and his temptation for sweets and i have so many emotions about it. I am relieved that a "Godly" man suffers from the same disease that i do. I feel guilty because I sat reading his blog while eating a bowl of ice cream. I felt satisfied because it was so good. I felt ashamed because i have gone for almost 2 weeks with no sweets and then when the in-laws come to town, i just let all my reserve fly out the window. And i feel convicted because i know where the answer is and i just am too stubborn to go there. I have not been in the Word lately and am about 1 1/2 weeks behind in my 5X5X5 reading. I have sat on the couch and done not so much! I look back on my life and think of times when i have shown determination and perserverance and i can't really recall a whole lot. It seems that i always give in, so now i guess it's time to do a lot of soul searching because i always give in for a reason and it's time to figure out exactly what that reason is. So i will keep everyone updated about that.
My in-laws have been staying with us for the last 3 nights. It has been a great time, don't get me wrong, but there are just some things you cannot do in your own home when guests are there. I am excited though because they are going back home to alabama on thursday, but then in about 4 weeks they are moving back up here for 7 years! I really got the best in-laws a girl could ask for. My brother-in-law and his wife and their 2 kids came down yesterday and spent about 12 hours here! That really shocked me because they usually don't stay that long. I know most people reading this do not know them, but pray for them...for their marriage to grow in Christ and stay strong. It made me so happy to see them like they were yesterday, and their babies are just the cutest things in the world. The oldest girl and Sesleigh played so well together! The day was just awesome.
I thank God for all the blessings and know and have seen Him work in this life. I just don't understand anyone could not know Him. He is so great and awesome and fulfilling that I want everyone to know where the Truth is!

It's Just Today

Well, nothing special really today. I weighed in with my mom and had lost 2 pounds! Yeah for me. Then we went to Bloomington, I got my hair cut at my best friend's school. The best part about it was that it was free. Oh I don't mean it was a bad cut...I like it. I just like it even better because I like things that are free! We went shopping to buy our new shirts for making our goals for the week, I got 2 tank tops...how exciting. The amazing thing was I found a swimming suit that I liked! That never happens. I always criticize how I look in a swimming suit. But I think that priorities have shifted and if it doesn't make me look grotesque then it's ok with me. I didn't buy it though, saving my money to go see my brother in Maryland. Which is a whole other topic.
But when I got home I was out looking at my flowers and I don't think they are doing so well. I did have some baby's breath that has bloomed, but I have a lot of brown in my pots. I really wanted these to do well. Maybe I will get some more and keep trying.
My in-laws come home tomorrow night! I'm pretty excited about that...we haven't seen them since Zoey was about 5 days old. They will be shocked when they see how different she is now. Not that they haven't expected it, but she is just so stinking cute and onery and smart.
Anyway, as I type this I just feel different about life...I think I'm coming up on another season...the one I'm in is just fading. That raises mixed emotions. I'm sad that I am shedding my old self, but I am excited to see what God has in store for me next. I am also glad that I can come to this transition with hope and expectation and gratification for what I have learned. I just think that anyone who may be reading this should just take a moment to reflect on the good things in your life and be grateful for what you have been blessed with. This life is a gift from God and you should make the most of it.

Good Morning

I sometimes think that the statement Good Morning is an oxymoron...especially when I've slept for a mere 2 hours. I have already been talking to God about just letting me get through this day without saying anything that may be hurtful, letting me have some peace today, and letting me get some sleep. It's days like these that I have to constantly remind myself today is a gift straight from God and I need to be appreciative and thankful for that gift.
Now I'm done complaining because that just wouldn't be right. I think I will just ramble a bit so just bear with me. I have gone for five days with no sweets! This is a huge accomplishment for me and I think that it hasn't been too bad. The greatest thing is I feel no guilt in the evenings about what I have eaten for the week. I wonder what our challenge will be for next week. I'm thinking no potato chips, but keeping the no sweets challenge. I think this is also the first week that I am looking forward to weigh in day on Friday!
Just one more bit of ramblings. I got an email the other day and there was something in it that really stuck with me, it said something to the effect of: "A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but rather the interjection of a higher law" I just thought this was an amazing way to look at God's work. That He is always looking out for us and butting in when we need it the most because the way we are doing things is not working. I just feel a lot safer to know that I've got the most powerful someone on my side looking out for me, and that I can have a relationship with Him. How awesome is that!
Anyway, so I'm done rambling so you can be done reading. Have a good day.

So I've started planting flowers or plants or whatever they are! I think I'm addicted now though. I can't wait to get my yard landscaped the way I picture it in my head. I'm just glad that I have learned how to make friends without drinking with them. I've got this new one who is teaching me all she knows about gardening. I think it's wonderful God has given us something so beautiful that can take up some time in a M.O.M.'s day. I see now how the flowers praise God with their beauty. Only He could make something like that.
Well onto a different subject-my mom and I have issued a weight loss challenge this week! No sweets for the entire week and 2 pound weight loss for a new shirt! So far no sweets, but it has only been 2 days really, but that's pretty good for me. I might make Caleb some cookies today so that will be a real test. The desire is not really there, but when I do get a craving I eat some lowfat yogurt and some melon! That seems to take care of it.
I am just having a blessed day, I feel great and am appreciative of all God has given me today. Yesterday I was in such a testy mood, it didn't take much to set me off, but by the end of the day God had called me to his Word (I was behind in my 5X5X5 reading). I read the story of the Last Supper, the betrayal, the denial, the trial, and the Crucifixion. That story is something that I had read and heard many times before, but last night it was so visual to me, I felt like I was right there. The denial 3 times by Peter was what got me the most. In the past I always give in to peer pressure, and I have always wanted to be part of the in-crowd, that I have denied my faith. Maybe not right out, but like Peter's first denial, just kind of skimmed around the question and changed the subject. I was almost sick to my stomach at my past actions. I just thank God for His grace to give me another chance and hopefully I will redeem myself as did Peter. Today I woke up in a terrific mood, even this morning in the wee hours when Zoey was screaming, I just had a different peace. It always amazes me when I am filled again with the joy and peace God offers, although He always comes through if I'm on a sincere search!

My weekend

Well my weekend was nothing too spectacular. Friday night was our girls' night out with a friend who is getting married soon. Man I haven't had that many good belly laughs in such a short period of time for a very long time. I love that I can go and have a good time without alcohol (kind of) finally...and I actually felt comfortable being myself and acting a little crazy! The good thing that happened after I got home was my friend who watched the kids started asking questions about life and God and faith. This sort of blew me away because I had no idea that she was even thinking about any of that.
Saturday my husband finally got home after 3 long days. I think sometimes when he leaves like that it makes our bond stronger. I guess there is something to that old addage "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Also, a friend and I went for a run/walk which felt amazing. I love going and feeling like I've got nothing left, just to push myself a little bit more. Especially when I know the results are going to be so good.
Today, after church Caleb and I fixed lunch for the bus kids and our kids helped serve them. I always forget to prepare myself for those kids, but it was still a good time. Caleb has a special spot for the bus kids, I think that's his purpose. My friend and I went for another run/walk today and I loved it again, although I can feel it in my shins right now! The last two days have been farely good with my sweet tooth, I did have 2 chocolate kisses today though. But I think considering what it used to be like, that is a huge step in the right direction. The exercise helps motivate me to want to take better care of my body, it always has. Well the baby just woke up so I better sign off here.

Evolution of Dance

I think I remember doing all of these at one time or another!

I'm a Blaker Girl

Well last night Blake totally won everyone over I think. They were all still talking about his risk he took with his Bon Jovi song, but I knew Blake wouldn't let me down! I love when he beatboxes and I haven't heard it in a couple of weeks, so I was pretty stoked Tuesday night. I know that for those of you who are not American Idol fans, this seems silly, but I am a sucker for the show and am captivated by the contestants. I was glad to see Chris go finally, I haven't liked him really from the start. It's not that he's bad, it's just that you could carve him and four others from cream cheese and have a boy band, no matter what they sound like! Plus he was too nasally for me (I have to agree with Simon on this one). I expected Phil to go although the last 3 weeks he's been better than he's ever been. LaKisha was amazing and I have always been a big fan, but she has been kind of dull the last few weeks; I think when she kissed Simon, she upped her "it" factor. Jordin is amazing for 17, but Tuesday was rough, at least she knew it though. Melinda by far has the best voice on the show, but lately I had been telling Caleb that all her songs sound the same, so I was concerned how she was going to rock it out. But man she did a phenomenal job and I totally loved the attitude! So that's my Idol talk.
One last thing I gotta get off my mind is this whole weight/diet thing. I figure that I am going to have to quit the sugar like alcoholics quit drinking-one day at a time. I think that's the motto from AA! Does anybody know if there's a DA (dieter's anonymous)?! So yesterday I made it the whole day with no sweets, but I did have cereal for supper which was my sweets. And the cravings while I was watching Idol were tremendous, but I just kept saying "I've only got about an hour and a half left of the day and then it will be over." So now I'm gonna work on today.
Hey I just wanna thank everyone for reading my babble, have a good day and God Bless!

its tuesday

So nothing real exciting today, just the usual dance, visit with the grandparents, FPU, and rush around. Still no sleep, but last night was not just Zoey, I had the middle one up too. Sassy was not feeling well at all and of course could not be awake the same time as Zoey. But I guess that's what I signed up for when I decided to be a mother!
Anyway, the thing that's been on my mind most of the day has been this whole diet thing. That's right I said the "d" word. I know I could lose the weight if I would quit eating all the sweets. I also know that's what upsets my stomach so bad that some nights I just lie curled in a ball because I hurt so bad. My question is how do I stop???!!! I can do fine until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon, then I just crave something sweet so bad it's all I can think about, then I will start to get a headache. If anyone has any great ideas about how to give this nasty habit up, I will gladly take them...and I know that it is my choice, but what about the actual physiological aspect of this desire (the headaches, the cravings)? How do I get past this? Please pray for me and with me about this. And just so you all know I am laying it all out there today...I do not like showing my weaknesses, but this sin is overtaking my life, and it seems like this is the only thing I think about. It consumes me some days, then at the end of the day, I just feel so guilty.
Well now let's just move on cuz things just got a little too serious for my taste! My husband would like for me to tell everyone that he is just such a wonderful husband! He is funny like that, but I do tell people that he is much like a fairytale!
Well I guess this is all for today, I know that you all will be just anticipating tomorrow's blog with all you've got.

So this is my first blog and I feel like I'm growing up! I guess I should leave the young world of myspace and move on up to blogger! I don't know, I'm such a trend follower, so I guess I'll do this too...hehe. I guess what you're supposed to do on these things is just write what's going on on a day-to-day basis, so here goes.
I don't know when this whole not sleeping through the night thing will end, but I really don't know how much more I can take. I didn't have this with Sesleigh, she slept as soon as I quit nursing (which was four months). Last night Zoey was up at 11:00 and I finally went to sleep at around midnight. Well she thought it was play time at 1:15 clear up until 3:45. Then it was time to get up at 5:30. So needless to say I'm trying not to say anything today, because it will probably not be anything nice coming out of my mouth.
Another thing that has been on my mind lately is the fact that my 4-year-old has recently asked me to start praying with her at night. She stayed the night at one of her friend's house, and her friend's mom prayed with them before they went to bed. Well now it is something that we have started at our house, even with the 8-year-old. I am new to practicing with my faith, especially sharing with other people, so I never even thought to pray with my children except at the dinner table. But, anyway, it is amazing to me to feel the connection I have with my girls now because of this! I'm sure some people are thinking "well, duh Stacy, of course you are!" but sometimes it takes me a little bit to get my mind wrapped around things like this!
So I guess that's enough for today...