what i really need to change

So last night as I was reading the book by James McDonald I came to a tough realization. I thought when I started reading the book that I knew exactly what it was I needed to change. The problem with that thinking was that I didn't let God tell me what He wanted to change right now at this point in time. I got to looking at the list of possible changes to make in a person's life and I checked out what it was that I actually marked as areas that need improvement. The things I thought I needed to change were two very physical problems. Don't get me wrong I think those things will still require very conscious efforts, but I realized that those two things were not what God wanted to work on right now.
The first one that I really need to work on became very clear to me after reflecting quite a bit (almost obsessing really) about an event that happened Friday night. I really need to pay close attention to what comes out of my mouth. Satan has got a strong hold on me by letting my words just fly and the consequences come later. I am often quick to pass judgment on others and I am very sure to pass on my judgements to anyone who will listen. So for all you who read this and are keeping me accountable, stop me when you hear me begin to gossip and/or judge others. I really believe that God wanted the events of Friday to happen to teach me a lesson. It doesn't really matter what I say or who I say it to, if it is not from Him it is bound to hurt someone.
The second thing that came to my attention by no great happening was that I am never quite content with what I have. I never have enough. I looked over the list again and I had 3 things marked the same, but for the life of me could not determine the difference between them. So I looked it up. Covet-to want something someone else has. Envy-to begrudge someone else's good fortune. Jealous-to fear losing something I have. Keep in mind these are my loose translations and are just what I gathered from my reading. After studying up on these I decided that jealousy was not as much of an issue as covetnous and then envy. After realizing that God was really wanting to change these things in me I remembered a few sermons I have heard in the past 2 years. The first was one by John Castletein (spelling error I'm sure) almost 2 years ago. I remember he started off talking about all these great things people had-the most prominent one that sticks out in my mind was his story about the woman in China (I believe) who had somewhere around 3,000 shoes when she died! When he first said that I was like "Now that's what I'm talking about." Boy by the end of the sermon was I convicted. He spoke about the fact that no matter what you have here, it is never ENOUGH to get into Heaven and you can't take it with you. And in all actuality God is the only thing that can fill that void of ENOUGH. So really what happened to those 3,000 shoes? Nothing! That's just it whatever you feel like you need more of will never be ENOUGH and it all just turns to nothing when it's all said and done.
The other sermon that came to my mind was one of Ron's first sermons at our church. He talked about being content. It doesn't matter where you are in your life if you are focused on Christ you will be content with what you have. Man did this hit home last night and really hurt me. Because I haven't been content with what I have and always wishing for more showed me that my life is not focused on where it should be. That really bothers me. I'm hoping that soon I will learn how God is working and what I need to do and how to do it so that I can be content with what I have and not covet what the "Jones'" down the street have. And also so I don't degrade loved ones' accomplishments just because I am not at the same place in my life. How sad that, although maybe not aloud, I cannot truly rejoice with friends over great times in their lives because I am not happy in my own. Sometimes even secretly wishing bad things to happen just to knock them down to my level. Why should I not strive to be at the level God wants me to be in relationship with Him, when that is what will truly have the ultimate reward?

Change

So I started reading "I really want to change...so help me God" by Pastor James McDonald. I have 3 very specific areas in my life that I need some drastic change and everything that I have done in the past has not worked, so no sense to keep on trying the same old thing. Anyway, in the book Pastor James has a study section at the end of each chapter, so I answered the questions (seriously even with some thought), then the next step is kinda like a put it in practice type of thing and he suggested telling a friend that I am reading this book on change and asking for prayer. So I don't know how many people actually read this thing, but whoever does, I am asking for your prayers in my hunt for change.
I have always been a very independant self-sufficient person and to realize that I am powerless over my iniquities has been a huge bite of humble pie. I am having a hard time swallowing this idea that I cannot do this "all by myself". I think I have been saying that phrase since I could talk and now I am realizing that there is no truth to that statement. I have to rely on God in order to make this change.
Something else that really struck me when reading this book was the difference between change and reformation. Reformation is growing on what good is already there. I mean don't get me wrong I think reformation is a good thing and there are things in my life that I want to reform as well. But Pastor James made it clear to me that change is BAM!!! all of a sudden and unfortunately there are things that I just need to BAM!!! change in my life. I know this is what I need to do and I want to do this so I can have a better relationship with God. Sometimes I get so frustrated with the fact that He created us with free will-I mean what a glorious day when it will just come natural to me worship, honor, glorify, and praise my Maker in all that I do. But until I can do that, God has to mold me, dry me out, put me in the furnace, paint me, and put me in the furnace again before I can be who He wants me to be. Sorry if that analogy confused anybody, but an email from long ago came to mind when I was typing...the one about the teacup and the potter. Anyway, if you ever get that email or would like me to try to explain the story I could but right now I need to get to bed...so thanks for listening. And thank you in advance for any prayers you can say for me.

news about life

So today I went to get all my bloodwork done and to get my heart monitor. I didn't really tell a lot of people about it cuz I don't want people to think it's all in my head. But for the last couple weeks, I've been having heart palpitations that have been scaring the you know what outta me. They feel like a panic attack but much shorter...I've had panic attacks in the past and they last for quite a while (like 20 or 30 minutes). These just last for about 4-5 seconds, then I get the shakes. Problem is they will come about every 10 minutes in the evening until I go to bed. Heart disease runs on both sides of my family so I just got worried and said something to the doctor. Dr. asked if I had any new stress in my life and I told her that I started working full time and that I have been watching the neighbor girls after school for about 3 1/2 hours. She just chuckled and said "oh just a little bit of stress". So they did all my bloodwork to check my thyroid (that could be the cause) my cholesterol, my potassium, magnesium, sodium, iron... all that good stuff. And she put me on this heart monitor for the next 30 days. If all of that comes back ok then she says it is panic attacks and we can go from there.
But anyway, Jade started basketball this week and let me tell you it is actually quite comical to watch fourth grade girls try to complete plays, bless her heart she tries so hard. Caleb says she's not cut out for bball though cuz when she bumped into an opponent the other night, she said sorry! He just was amazed, but not me, she cares like that. Sassy has a UTI and we are dealing with that, but she handled it like a trooper. She has gotten into the habit of going garage saling though and loves to buy other people's junk...but she uses her own money, so we let her. Zoey is finally getting rid of her rash, Dr. decided it was flea bites, so we sprayed and haven't seen any new bumps come up since. She is so stinking cute with her curls and all but her middle teeth in. But man is she onery! Well I think that's about all, I just wanted to update everyone, since I hadn't blogged in a while.