second chair

I went to church this morning and listened to the sermon and was shown that I sit in the second chair. I have been comfortable sitting in the second chair of faith called compromise. I've been here for a while. I've lost my motivation. I can't wait for Bible study to start again so I can spark the fire. Just need something to move me. I also realized a few things in the last couple days. I figured out what my biggest fear is and it totally shocked me. I fear being forgettable. I love to be the center of attention, all eyes on me, that's why I always assumed I would be a performer of some sorts. But last night, I was unnoticeable (is that a word), and then this morning at church. I haven't been in a few weeks but I usually sit in the same spot when I'm there and there is an elder and his wife who generally sit behind me, this week during the welcome the elder's wife grabbed my hand shook it gentally, gave me a warm smile and introduced herself, expecting me to do the same. So I did for the third time. Now I'm sure that this woman makes it a point to greet people each week to put forth a good impression of the church, but I have failed on my part to leave a lasting impression, and therefore have become forgettable. Right now I just wish I had a shell to crawl into and just hide there for a while. I have no desire to do anything, although I am pretty good at faking it. It was all I could do to go to church today, but that's what I do. So I went. I don't want to leave my house, but there are things that need to be done so I do them. I think I am just getting wrapped up in the redundancy of it all. It's very monotonous, my life, and therefore I'm afraid forgettable. I think I need to read Katie Brazleton's Pathway to Purpose again...she talks about how God has a purpose even for the little everyday things in life. So anyways, just my thoughts for the day.